Our Story Pt. 2:
The Middle Years
Have you ever been in a difficult circumstance that has endured longer than you ever thought possible?
There was one summer day that I was just done. I was totally fed up and emotionally spent with the absence of answers or changes in our quest for children. We had been on this journey for 5 years and it had gone on way too long and I had come to a point which has been repeated many times throughout our journey.
“I said an extremely simple prayer: ‘God, Help!’”
It was surprisingly refreshing to recognize that I was at the end of my rope and to simply ask for assistance, just like a toddler asks their parents for help. No complicated words or pleas. The very next day, an acquaintance of ours texted Seth and told him that he had had a dream about us. He said something like, “I know this might sound strange but last night I had a clear dream with the two of you in it. I rarely remember my dreams and this one feels very strange to share. I know nothing about your journey to have children but I dreamed that you had a baby girl.” I took that to heart. I couldn’t believe it. I asked God for help and He sent an encouraging message from the most random messenger the very next day! This was not a coincidence. It was a message from God directly to my cry for help and I heard Him loud and clear. The Lord had heard my simple plea. He knew I needed something, and this dream from our friend set me at peace for that moment. I knew He was listening and that He cared.
Still Nothing…
From the time we started to process our infertility diagnosis, Seth and I asked the Lord to lead us by the desires of our hearts. If we found that we desired adoption, we would head in that direction. If we had a desire to move forward with IVF, we would do IVF. As we prayed about it, our hearts both passionately wanted to see a miracle, to be physically healed and get pregnant naturally. We simply wanted to pray for a miracle and wait on God which, in itself, seems like a miracle now that I look back on it. We did continue to consider our options and hold them with an open hand to see if our hearts ever desired to change course (adoption or IVF), but for years nothing changed.
These “middle years” were quite painful, and a lot of growth occurred. The decision to hope for the impossible was a costly one. Month after month my cycle came and went each time reminding me that my desire fulfilled seemed still elusive. It was a season where the pain exposed unhealthy attitudes and heart postures inside myself and yet God, in His love, taught and tweaked to make me think more like Him. These were the years where we had to remind ourselves of His promises, choose to celebrate others' breakthroughs and see the caring heart in the middle of the unknowingly hurtful comment. These were the years I learned to be honest with God and myself in my pain and found a place in the arms of the Comforter over and over and over again.
Healthy Self-Talk
When I read my journal entries from this time period, I well up with compassion for the “middle years Sarah.” The pain was very real and yet I didn’t get bitter, I got better. If my current self could tell my “middle years” self some things, it would be laced with celebration:
“Sarah, you are doing so well! Your patience and perseverance are growing and deepening. You’re on this journey that you never expected or asked for, but you’re moving forward one day at a time. Well done! I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. While I know the pain and loss are so difficult, you are also learning some incredibly valuable lessons. These gold nuggets will serve you well in life and you will pass them onto your children as a rich inheritance. Keep doing what you’re doing! Follow the Lord. He is doing a great job leading you and you are wonderfully following Him and letting Him love you. Let that go even deeper in these next years. He won’t fail you.”
When I look back on these “middle years” I can see how present God was, how He would send encouragement at just the right moment, and how faithful He was through all of it. The Book of Lamentations (3:22-23) in the Bible describes my experience “The Lord’s loving kindness indeed never ceases, for His compassion never fails. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.”
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