Our Story Pt. 1:
The Early Days
Welcome to a story where pain and sorrow collide with beauty and the goodness of God.
My name happens to be Sarah. And ironically, my story happens to be similar to that of Sarah, in the Bible, who God gave the promise of a child. God has also given me the promise to have a child and, just as Sarah waited, I have waited….. and I’m still waiting. My husband’s name is Abraham. Just kidding, his name is Seth. When we married, we wanted to wait to have children in order to spend a few years together, building our new marriage and adventuring. We have always had a fantastic marriage and those first years were full of learning, growth, travel and fun!
“That began a looooong journey of questions, searching, sadness and disappointments.”
Around the five year mark, my sister told me they were going to try for their fourth child and the dream of having our kids grow up with similar ages kicked in. Seth and I decided to begin trying for our own children and I just knew I would be instantly pregnant like my sister, my mom and Seth’s mom had all experienced in their first pregnancies. Unfortunately, instantaneous pregnancy did not happen. Time passed and, after no success, we decided to consult a doctor and found we had a legitimate infertility issue. Through a number of tests and examinations we surprisingly found that Seth had low sperm count. Doctors could offer no answers or cures for his condition and according to them our only options were In vitro Fertilization (IVF), adoption or a miracle.
That began a looooong journey of questions, searching, sadness and disappointments. We had unexpectedly joined the ranks of couples struggling with the inability to conceive a child.
The Shock of Infertility
What I discovered is that the pain and grief associated with infertility are different than other types of grief. Infertility is not a one-time event. The grief that accompanies it is a companion to the experience, not just a response to it. It’s a persistent grief that occurs continually with each passing month and the brutal disappointment triggered by every crampy start of your cycle. Have you experienced this monthly painful reminder?
The first two or three years following Seth’s diagnosis were centered on making big decisions, learning how to process the monthly pain of not being pregnant, and leaning heavily on our friends and family for emotional support. We had to dig deep and learn how to find God in all of it. I had not experienced the pain of loss and disappointment to that degree before. It was the listening ears and prayers of our supportive friends and relatives, and learning how to let myself cry when I was having a tough day that got me through those years.
Healthy Self-Talk
If my current self could tell my “early days” self some things, it would sound something like this:
“Sarah, you’re going to get through this. It might be a good idea to adjust the straps on your life to be a little looser. Widen the space that is ‘your plan’ to make more room for God’s plan. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion in those tough moments. You can’t go wrong when you choose to lean into God’s comfort, He is really good at it. Find that place in Him where you let Him love you in your pain. He makes everything so much better.”
For men and women out there who have been in this position for any length of time, you are my heroes! You know the sadness, the questions and the perseverance that this journey demands. I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s not ok and it’s not fair. Your journey of pain and sorrow is precious to God.
Time and time again when I was experiencing deep pain and overwhelming sadness I found my way into the arms of a loving Father God. It was subtle in the moment but afterward I would be marked by a sense of peace and that everything was going to be okay. I have become so familiar with those arms due to the difficult years of needing them and I know how sure and unwavering they are. I pray you are able to find your way there in your difficulty too.
Join the Conversation
How have you coped when you’ve gone through loss and pain?
What questions do you ask yourself when you’re in the middle of it?
Do you sometimes wonder if God is there to help? Or if He is the source of the problem?
How have you been able to access hope?
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