Infertility Depression: How to Find Hope
This image is called “Good Grief” and it brilliantly captures visually what I have written about in this blog. My beautiful friend Maari Christante, a surrealist photographer with Fightsong Studio and is one of the most creative and inspiring people that I know. Click here to check out her work.
Years ago I was having one of those days when this journey with no children, no answers and no change in sight was taking over my entire perspective. I had grown weary of turning to social media for distraction or entertainment only to see several “mom posts,” some of which included laments of their toddler “getting into the piles of folded laundry again” or something. I couldn’t take it anymore. I scribbled down this emotive poem.
For moms…Who get up tired in the night to look after your crying child
Clean up vomit, poo and mushed food
Have bags under your eyes, baby weight and snot on your shirt
You have the joy of a little person who is yours
When they want only you and no one else can make them happy
You know just how to make them giggle
You can hear them singing in the other room
My house is empty
Enjoy the strength in your arms from holding them
My arms are empty
I don’t want to see another whining mom social media post
You have a child that is all your own- a little person made in your image that bears your resemblance and has grown up with your flavor
Be grateful for the gift of a person that God gave you to grow
My garden is empty… For now
When will it be my time when it is written “And God remembered Sarah and opened her womb…”?
Infertility Depression is Very Real
Most of the time I can easily rejoice in someone else’s blessing. Of course, there are the acute moments of pain that bear no patience to celebrate or empathize with another. The day I wrote this poem was one of those days. The pain that comes with the inability to have children can become overwhelming. Many of us on this journey are facing disappointment after consistent disappointment for long periods of time. When doctors don’t have answers or the solutions they come up with don’t work, we are faced with an unknown future with a relentless ticking clock. Or miscarriage after repeated miscarriage is the devastating heartbreak we have to process. Time passes and we continue to roll through the seasons of another baby shower or friend’s child’s milestone that only reminds you of your own barren circumstance.
Many couples weathering this pain of infertility end up finding themselves battling depression. Days with a sense of tiredness, low motivation, hopelessness and nights with sleep problems become the norm.
Sometimes isolation seems like the best option because painful reminders surface when you’re with your friends who are living their best parental life. Everyone starts talking about their kids and the latest stage of development and suddenly you have nothing to add. You can’t relate to something that is their all encompassing reality.
Sadness compiles upon sadness and feelings of depression can become more familiar than joy. In light of the reality of infertility and depression, I have good news. One of my mentors says, “There is no such thing as a hopeless circumstance, there are only hopeless people. If people get a hold of true hope, their circumstance has to change.”
There Is Hope for Infertility Depression
Sometimes it’s just helpful to hear someone say, “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.” This scripture from the Bible is that for me:
Psalm 121 says “I look up to the mountains- does my help come from there? 2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! 3 He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. 6 The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. 7 The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. 8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.”
There is Someone on your side who cares deeply for what you are going through and who is always there.
A Very Present Help
Psalm 46 says, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
I think the problem for many of us is that we don’t know how God can be a “very present help.” Or we don’t believe it. But in my own life, I have found that God has brought me strength and has been present with me over and over. When I’m low, desperate or feeling hopeless, He speaks. He sends help through people, or circumstances will end up changing.
For example, how is it possible that I do not live a life of depression after 16 years of infertility? I truly believe that I am a walking miracle, and it’s all because God has comforted me, sent encouragement through people, or somehow caused hope to rise up in my heart. (Click this link for more on How to Hear God’s Voice). I go to Him over and over and over because He helps me every time. Sometimes not immediately, but within days something will happen that helps me keep my sanity and have hope for the future.
Practical Ways to Combat Depression and Live with Hope
Many doctors will tell you that a healthy diet, regular exercise and good sleep all contribute to combatting depression. Those have been true for me too. Additionally, here are some of the main ways, with God’s help and aid, that I have been able to stay out of depression and live in joy, even in life with infertility.
Learn to process pain with God
This has been one of the most impacting elements of my infertility journey, which is why I write about it so much. I went from being pretty emotionless in my life to being wholehearted, all because I learned to process pain.
Katya Turner from Alleviant Health Centers says “When people are unwilling to feel the emotion through or don’t have the skills to think through the situation, emotions get trapped in the body, causing tensions, pains and feelings of dis-ease. Over time, suppressed emotions develop into depression, we start feeling fatigued, unmotivated, sad and stuck.” Processing the pain of infertility, actually crying the tears of anger and sadness, and then learning to receive comfort from God in exchange removes the permission for depression to take hold. (Check out my blog on how to receive comfort for more information on this!)
Giving your heart the chance to actually feel what it is feeling keeps you weightless from the heaviness of the tough circumstance. For more on how to Practically Process Pain click to see the Vlog: How to Practically Process Pain.
See a therapist
I am so grateful for the wonderful therapists God provided for me in the last years. I’ve learned so much from them and have been given what I need to feel supported and encouraged. When my mom passed away, they were instrumental in helping me to handle the compounded grief (infertility + the loss of my future kid’s grandma etc.) I felt like God gave me “mothers” in the form of therapists in the loss of my mother. These incredible women kept me from feeling overwhelmed in this new tragedy. This was a massive gift from God at just the right time.
Include community
I have needed to be real and honest with my closest friends and family. By letting them know how I am actually doing and letting them know what I need, they have been equipped with the ability to be a great support and help.
We can’t do this alone! We need people who can empathize, be a comfort and pray for us when we need it. It’s hard for those who have never been through infertility to know how they can help us best. It was a game-changer when I realized I could ask “Can I talk about how I am feeling, without you providing advice. I just need a listening ear and some hugs?” Being vulnerable and honest in a loving way can set them up for success in how they can love us the best.
Identify a fun hobby or pastime
This can be anything that makes you come alive that you really enjoy. I love hiking! When I get out in nature, move my body, breathe the fresh air and see the beauty, my soul soars. Regular doses of this breathes freshness into me and lifts me up. Perhaps you’ve wondered if you could take a dance class. Maybe your spouse would be up for learning something new together.
Whatever the hobby or pastime is, it should be something that is fun to you. And here is the thing - you have to take time to actually do it! Having fun when life is hard can be work to get there, but once you are doing it, the cost is worth it. Go on regular hikes, start a painting class, take a cooking class, do anything that truly brings you joy. It’s a gift that lifts you up!
Practice gratitude
Thankfulness will change your life. I will not stop thanking the Lord for every good night's sleep I get. I know there will be a season in my life where that may be a challenge. Even though it’s been sixteen years, I thank Him for being able to be spontaneous, to have a flexible schedule, for alone time, for easy vacations, and everything related to the ease and space of not yet having children.
I also practice gratitude because the more I focus on the goodness of God, the more I observe it everywhere in my life. I thank him for my beautiful house, my family, my job that I absolutely love, my loving husband. Are there things about these areas that are difficult? Yes! But there are so many things that are beautiful and I choose to keep my thoughts on what is good. Hot tip: When I’m regularly practicing No. 1 (Processing Pain) as needed, I actually find that it’s easier for me to connect to genuine gratitude.
All of these things work together in tandem to lift the heavy load of grief and pain. Psalm 146:8 says “the Lord lifts those who are weighed down.” The battle with infertility depression is real, and yet God can supply you with what you need to lift you up and out of it.
A Prayer for Hope
Here is my prayer for you: God, I pray for my readers, that they would know you as Comforter right now. That You would lift any heaviness or depression. Holy Spirit, I pray that you would give them all that they need physically, spiritually and emotionally to be free from depression. I command depression to leave them now in Jesus name. I bless their mind and heart with hope, peace and deep comfort. Would you speak truth and life to them so that they would know you are close. I pray that you would send them help in some form like you’ve done with me so many times. And I pray for healing and fertility to be theirs - I declare children in Jesus name! Amen!