4 Things to Avoid Saying to Those With Infertility
I remember it vividly. I had just shared about my infertility journey in a public setting, and after my talk, a woman approached me.
‘We had trouble getting pregnant, too,’ she said.
‘Oh, really?’ I said.
She continued: ‘We chose to adopt embryos! That’s how I had all three of my children - IVF with adopted embryos.’
‘Wow, that’s amazing,’ I said, ready to hear her story. This was years ago and I had never heard of embryo adoption. If she would’ve told her story and shared what a blessing her children are, I would’ve definitely been encouraged. I love hearing how people end up growing their families and the miracle of each unique situation!
But she continued.
She grabbed my arm. ‘That’s the way to do it!’ she said. ‘You’ve GOT to look into it. When I heard your story, I just knew - you have to adopt embryos!’
She continued to talk about how adopting embryos was the very best way to have children, and all the reasons why this was the answer for me. People adopting embryos is an incredible and miraculous way for people to have children, it just wasn’t our path at that point. Far from encouraging me, which is what she intended, the conversation left me feeling pressured, unheard and misunderstood.
I’m so grateful to have had many friends who have been a soft landing place for my emotions and sadness in my years of infertility. I do not know what I would’ve done without their gentle questions, listening ear and fervent prayers.
How to Talk to Someone Struggling with Infertility
Somehow my friends have known how to encourage without being overbearing. They’ve known how to listen and give space for me to process. I’ve learned what has been helpful and what is not. I’ve had many like the aforementioned conversation- where someone who wants to help ends up going about it in an unhelpful way. After these conversations I’m left feeling misunderstood and more alone in my journey. I have to remind myself that people really mean well, they have a beautiful heart, but just don’t know how to best be there for me. The truth is they don’t have the grace for my path.
If you are wondering what to say to someone struggling with infertility: thank you! Your love and support means the world to those of us walking this journey. In this blog, I’m going to go over 4 things you can avoid saying to someone who is waiting to get pregnant, and offer some alternatives to help you express support in a helpful way.
4 Things to Avoid Saying to Someone Struggling with Infertility
‘Well, I have a friend who.........’
This happens a lot. When people hear that my husband and I have been struggling with infertility, their brains immediately jump to the stories of other people in their life who have gone through similar things. That’s natural!
Most of the time, people want to encourage me with a testimony of a successful pregnancy. That’s a beautiful thing, and I always want to keep my heart tender to hear the testimonies of God’s miraculous provision. On good days, these stories feed my faith.
The truth is, though, that when I’ve just shared something painful that is on my heart - something tender and significant to me - being immediately met with someone else’s story can leave me feeling shut down. And to be totally honest, on the really painful days, stories of other women becoming mothers can actually make me feel worse!
Instead, try:
‘How are you doing right now?’
If someone has shared their fertility journey with you, don’t rush into a story of your own. Instead, make space for them. Show that you care about what you’ve just heard by exhibiting curiosity - how are they doing? What’s going on in their hearts?
‘Would you be open to me sharing an encouraging story about my friend?’
If you have a story you really think would be encouraging, great! Make sure you ask before you share. When you ask permission to share with someone struggling with infertility, you are communicating that you want to encourage them - and that their feelings matter. By asking them if they want to hear the story, instead of making an assumption, you show that you care about their heart. And that, more than anything, is going to make them feel loved and supported!
I would also add that it’s important for the story to be relevant to this person’s individual story. For example, this could be helpful if they have just told you that they are considering IVF and you have a friend who had a successful child from IVF.
‘You should…’
‘You should just relax.’ ‘You should foster a family!’ ‘Have you tried adoption?’ ‘You need to go for IVF!’ ‘You should try this hormone pill.’
You name it, I’ve heard it.
When people engage with my pain, they want to give me a solution. Their love for me - or their discomfort with my situation - means that they want to ‘fix’ the problem. I get it! I do the same thing with other situations. I rush to find a solution for other people’s problems because I want them to feel better.
But when people see my infertility as something to ‘fix’, it leaves me feeling even more alone. I love the hope they have that the option they know might just be the one that finally does it! But when you’ve had that same type of conversation over and over for years, it can feel exhausting. I’m not looking for someone to swoop in and solve my problem. It’s easier on my heart to have their support, understanding and to know they are praying for me.
Plus, let’s be honest: when people give me fertility advice, they make the assumption that I haven’t already thought about or researched all my options. But as you know, if you’ve ever walked a fertility journey of your own, you spend hours and hours of life researching. I’ve consulted experts and traveled to meet with doctors. Whatever solution you have is probably something I’ve heard before.
Instead, try...
‘I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.’
When someone shares their story with you, respond with compassion. Acknowledge the pain. Give space for the grief. Don’t rush on into solutions.
‘What are your options?’
If you want to talk about practical solutions, lead with curiosity. Everyone’s story is different. Allow the individual to choose how much to share.
‘What are you considering when looking at your options?’
‘I could never........’
Sometimes when I share my story, people are so shaken by the idea of struggling with infertility for so long. Sometimes their concern and sympathy come out like this:
‘I could never have faith like you do!’ ‘I could never wait that long.’ ‘I could never walk your journey.’
While this is intended to express sympathy or admiration, it really isn’t all that comforting. Statements like these place distance between the person and I, making my situation feel even more of an anomaly.
Instead, try...
‘You are so brave for facing this.’ ‘Your courage to keep going is admirable.’
Listening
Sometimes creating space for a person’s pain and allowing them to share what’s going on in their heart is the best way to help someone feel loved.
‘How can I be praying for you?’
Prayer is always great to offer -
‘Well, at least........’
If only I had a penny for every silver lining someone’s offered me in the last sixteen years!
This comes from the same loving but misguided impulse that sees people share suggestions and solutions I haven’t asked for - people see pain and they just want to make it go away!
I’ve heard people tell me that not having children was a blessing in disguise - for my career, my marriage, my ability to travel, my finances, and even for my body! But as you can imagine, no amount of bright sides can make up for the loss of not having a child.
Instead, try...
‘Wow. This is so hard!’
You might feel like this is too simple, or an inadequate response. But really, it’s one of the best things you can say to someone struggling with infertility. Just seeing me in my pain and empathizing with me makes a huge difference!
Final Thoughts
One thing that I would not want you to take away from this blog is a fear that you’ll say the perfectly wrong thing to someone in a situation like this. I have my own history of classic communication blunders in the worst possible moments. It’s impossible to know what exact response would be most appreciated for every unique person. Rather, my hope is to encourage you toward communicating with people in a way that draws people in difficulty to you. With these ideas you can be equipped with communication that creates a safe space for people to share their story, be heard, validated and loved. Our sweet friends have been pivotal in surviving decades of the saddest times of our lives. For that we are forever grateful.