Pregnant on Paper: The Story of Our Adoption Journey

These are the faces of the adoption process- a moment we felt like we were diving into the “deep end” of the pool in this journey. Looking at this photo now, starting our adoption journey was a “yes” of the highest magnitude, a plunge into something that has a profound effect on our life: yet there is oh so much out of our control. Adoption is a massive trust fall of sorts. You just hope and pray there are some big hands ready to catch you. Good thing we know there are. 

The Beginning of Our Adoption Journey

It took us a while to get to this point - when I look back, our adoption journey has been brewing for ten years! Back in 2011, we were at a meeting at a church in town that was hosting a great leader in the faith named Lou Engle. I have always had great respect for how he has spent decades rallying the Church across America to pray for God to move in our nation.

At one point, towards the end of the meeting, he approached me as he was moving around the room praying for people. He put his hand on my shoulder and prayed a prayer I’ll remember forever:  “You’re going to birth one child and adopt two.” That was the first seed as the idea of adoption was planted in our hearts. It seemed like the fruit of this seed was a long way off, so I tucked it away in my heart and let it sink slowly in for a number of years. You can read more about those early years of discovering infertility and navigating that shock, but for now, let’s keep our focus on the adoption journey.

Four years later I was again in church and I saw a few young girls in front of me singing as the congregation was worshipping. God began to speak to me that we would have a daughter someday and it would happen through adoption. I knew God was speaking. so I sat down, grabbed my phone, and took a photo to remember that impacting moment.

God Kickstarts our Adoption Journey

A few years later, Seth and I were in our current roles, pastoring students in a ministry school. One of my sweet students presented us with a check for a large sum of money. She felt impressed by God to give us this money towards “our child”. I knew then that this was for adoption. A month later God spoke to me about starting our adoption journey. I mentioned it to Seth and we were astounded to find that we each uniquely heard God tell us the same thing which became the confirmation that this was our next step toward building a family.

Taking the First Steps

We both wanted to move forward, but adoption felt like such a big, complicated mystery. As soon as we started considering heading down this path we were confronted with the expense, questions on agencies, the deep uncertainty of the unknown,  and so many sad stories regarding adoption.. Can anyone relate? When you’re just starting out on a new big endeavor, it can be so overwhelming!

People we trusted pointed us to Christian Adoption Consultants, and we pursued more information on their organization. This beautiful consulting firm assists those starting their adoption journey by providing vetted agencies, assistance in paperwork, and emotional support through the entire process. As we decided if we wanted to move forward both Seth and I individually hit different roadblocks that we each had to work through before we felt ready to actually take the big step to saying YES to adoption. I felt overwhelmed by the process and had limited emotional capacity to move forward with all that was needed. Seth offered to spearhead the journey which I was so grateful for. After he looked into it, he became overwhelmed by the financial need that is a reality for adoption. Dear friends encouraged us that God would provide and that they would help to spearhead raising the funds for our child. They had great faith and we were strengthened by their love and support and had what we needed to begin!

As you can gather, we process big decisions verrrrrry slowly.

The Adoption Journey Is All About Trust

Preparing paperwork for adoption grants with the help of our sweet friends.

In August of 2020, we finally took that huge step of signing papers and sending money to officially start our adoption journey. The “trust fall” began and we have found there are many more “trust fall” moments throughout the adoption journey. It isn’t a one time event, it’s like a continual free fall into the unknown where certain moments are more acute than others. We keep reminding ourselves that it’s God who led us here, and He is so trustworthy. 

Of decisions in life, there are the small every day decisions and then there are the large life altering ones. Deciding who you are going to marry, for example, is right up there with the biggest. Adding a child to your family through adoption is also high on the list! This is a decision that will impact your everyday life forever. I have never felt so out of control. I have never needed to trust Him more in my life than in this. 

Pregnant on Paper

When we first started our adoption journey I felt like I was in shock, almost like when you find out you’re pregnant. I’d been wanting a child all this time, but I was stunned that this was actually in motion. It was such an emotional time! We were sent a huge adoption manual full of everything that is involved in the adoption process and started to read it from start to finish. Overwhelming is a great word to describe the information and paperwork, all while still absorbing the fact that this path will result in us becoming parents for the first time!

We spent months wading through paperwork, getting physicals and drug tests, applying for grants, sitting in interviews, having our home inspected and learning all while praying for the perfect child for us. During those months the shock faded as I processed the reality of what we were heading into. What came in its place was fear after fear of worse case scenarios, imagining the potential difficulties and the risks that are present in any birth of a child, on top of the unknowns that adoption can bring. Some days the many fears seemed more present than the potential beauty and joy.

“I’m going to be a mom. The reality of that brings tears to my eyes.”

One day, I saw an Instagram post from someone I follow about how much fear she dealt with in her first pregnancy and how it seemed to pervade every part of her prenatal days. I realized that some of this fear is normal for a first time mom. I had nothing to compare it to, but in that moment I realized, I am pregnant! I’m not pregnant in the physical sense, but there is a child coming! I’m going to be a mom. The reality of that brings tears to my eyes. I’ve desired this for so very long! And I’m not going to let fear steal the joy of this incredible season. I’m so grateful for the family, friends, Instagram friends and therapists God has provided to help us both process through all of this. God has met our hearts in the fears and brought peace and excitement for what is to come! If you’re looking for a way to hear God in the middle of decisions check out my post on Hearing God’s Voice!

Preparing Our Hearts for a Baby

At one point soon after we started the adoption journey, God spoke to me and said “Talk to your child like it’s in your womb.” At first it was slightly awkward as Seth and I spoke to our child as if they could hear us. As we continued I realized how my emotions were waking up to this coming child. I was getting emotionally connected to this child “out there somewhere” and I knew this was somehow getting translated to this little one. I’ve loved speaking love and belonging over our child and praying for their destiny and their beautiful birth mama for all these months. 

In the last couple of months we have been in the emotional ride of the matching phase of the adoption journey. This is when we will get matched with a pregnant birth mom whose child will be placed with us once they are born. One by one we’ve prayed over each birth mom and baby’s paperwork as they are presented to us, and so far we haven’t found a match yet. One thing we’ve noticed is how unpredictable every situation is. Some babies are due very soon, some have just been born and some are due in a few months. We are ready for anything. We’d love your prayers as God matches us with the child He has been preparing for us. He has been so thoughtful and thorough as He has been getting us ready for this - I could fill many pages of the details of the hand of God being so present to take care of us and our hearts as we enter the world of parenthood for the first time. 

We are in one of the biggest transitions of our lives. We are going from 20 years of marriage without children to the next 20 years of parenting. What emotions or behaviors do you notice about yourself when you’re in the middle of big life transitions? When you look back on big transitions in your life, what were some ways that your trust in God grew? Stay tuned for updates as our story unfolds!