Managing Disappointment
Those Moments of Acute Pain
My friend and I were having a morning run together while taking turns pushing her toddler in the stroller. She had mentioned not feeling very well and it reminded her of when she was first pregnant with her son. We ended up cooling down and stretching at my house. I said, “Hey- I’ve got a pregnancy test here. You should find out if you’re pregnant or not.” She agreed. We waited for the indicators and BOOM. We screamed, grabbed each other and had a proper girl freak out.
She was pregnant!
Together we developed a plan for how she would tell her husband. She arranged for her and her toddler to meet him at his work for lunch and we wrapped the test in a gift box and put a bow on it. I saw her out the door and waved goodbye as she ran home. Immediately, I shut the door and bolted as fast as I could for my bedroom and tissue box and dove head first on my bed for the biggest snot-filled, teary-puddle cry I’d had in a long time. My sweet friend just lived out the strongest desire of my heart before my very eyes, in my own house, with my own dusty pregnancy test, wrapped in my own gift box. How many times had I imagined that outcome? How many times had I lived the opposite: Another cycle ending with tampons, ibuprofen, physical pain and disappointment. Over and over and over. How many baby showers had I been invited to? How many baby registries had I selected gifts from? How many births had I witnessed? And my situation had not changed.
Choices in the Pain
Living through infertility can seem like a game of Whack-a-mole, where one disappointing moment after another pops up that you have to navigate and deal with before another rears its brown plastic head. It seems there is a new reason to be disappointed on the regular. What has been your coping mechanism when you face disappointment after disappointment? What path do you take in your thoughts and actions?
Each new disappointment is an opportunity to take a path that leads to living a powerful life instead of a destructive one. Imagine at the start of something difficult or upsetting, you are at a point with multiple paths leading in multiple directions. Some paths are actual traps that, if you go down them long enough, will lead to inevitable ruin. There are other paths that lead to help, hope, strength and living like a boss instead of a victim.
“There are other paths that lead to help, hope, strength and living like a boss instead of a victim. ”
Responding to the Pain
In the early days of this journey, my regular path was: First, have a good cry (not bad at all), and turn to God and His Word, whether to vent or be comforted (very good). Also it was any of the following: Feeling shame about still being in this situation (not helpful at all), talking to a friend with a vibe of self-pity to elicit pity (not great), going shopping (not terrible, but not helpful in the end), eating comfort food like a big, juicy burger or ice cream (not great, but delicious), desiring to drink alcohol - whether I actually did or not (not great as a coping mechanism), wanting to escape pain by going on vacation or getting away (super fun, but avoidance doesn’t help in the end). Can I get a witness??!!
It’s enticing to take the road that turns toward the things that feel good in the moment but leave you feeling empty and still stuck with pain. Even though I chose the feel-good path sometimes, I always did two things well: (1) I let myself feel the very real pain I was in - and that included processing the pain, and (2) I always turned to God and invited Him to be in the disappointment with me. Over time, I’ve also learned additional healthy paths to take - like practicing good self care, being kind to myself and going to an effective therapist.
When you choose to take the strengthening, encouraging paths often enough, you will find the old paths (that are actually traps) are less alluring and grown over with weeds. When you get a bad diagnosis from your infertility doctor, or a family member tells you they are pregnant again you will know just what to do to help yourself go through it making great choices for your mind, heart, body - and possibly your wallet.
Join the Conversation:
What are some paths that you take that you know aren’t helpful in the end?
What are paths that you take that lead you to strength and encouragement?
What are some new strengthening paths that you could try when disappointment comes?