Finding Joy in Pain- Part One
How to Lose the Heavy Weights
In the first years of trying to conceive, I had no capacity to find joy in infertility and all of the pain and loss I was experiencing. However, I’ve had the privilege of many years to learn and grow. I just can’t go through a hard thing and not learn something, otherwise it feels like a waste to me. And since I’ve had so many years on this journey, I’ve learned a whole bag of tricks that have made my heart happier, my perspective wiser and my demeanor lighter.
Infertility used to feel like a heavy backpack filled with grief, sorrow, disappointment, pain and, as I wore it, the weight was significant and exhausting. Little by little, the Lord showed me things I was adding to the backpack that contributed unnecessary weight. God graciously helped me take them out one by one, which enabled me to live my circumstances with more freedom and joy than I ever thought possible. Frequently, people would comment to my husband and I that how we were going through infertility was remarkable.
Here are some of the heavy weights that God helped me take out of the “backpack”:
Self-pity
I remember finding myself in muddy puddles of self-pity and I loved when my friends would jump in with me. My favorite was when they would ask me how “the baby thing” was going and I could spill my sad story and they would feel sorry for and with me. What I started to realize over time was that I wasn’t looking for a way out of the sadness but was more interested in wallowing in it and I wanted to pull others into the heavy mud with me. The Lord showed me the heavy layer of self-pity was on me all the time and I was treating it like a good friend. In His kindness, He offered His hand to help me out of the pit. I remember the day I made the lighter, and brighter, choice to stop the wallowing and start to look to God for strength and help. He gave me the grace to shed the shadow of self-pity and step into the sunshine of His hope.
Control
Someone once offered me a book about understanding fertility and I gobbled up the information in a matter of days. Cycles, signs and charting became my new daily obsession as I began to track what was happening in my body, with the goal of knowing the ultimate time to get pregnant. This was before apps could do everything, so I used good ol’ paper and pens to chart my cycle indicators. Days, months, and years later and I was still charting. One day, the Lord showed me that all of my relentless charting (along with a few other things), was revealing my subconscious attempts to control the situation, and it only left me desiring more. There was no real help for me in that false hope of control. Once again, God was offering me His hand and asking me to trust Him instead of my own devices. I knew that I needed to cut off the obsession with charting. I sat before my paper shredder in tears as I watched chart after chart, in which I had placed so much of my trust in “solving” my infertility, being reduced to nothing. Once the charts were gone, so was my grip on what I thought would bring peace. I felt a weight lift off that I didn’t know I was carrying and I began to fly higher without it. I never looked back
Pain
I was fairly certain that allowing myself to feel the pain and let it out was a good choice right from the beginning. Looking back now, I can see what a wise decision that was. There is no way I could’ve survived all these years without a cathartic cry every so often. This is different from the self-pity I mentioned above. The difference is that feeling, crying, and letting out pain for the purpose of processing the very real emotions should lead to some measure of relief and healing. Sitting in self-pity disregards a way through or a way out. It’s not looking for relief or hope. Left unprocessed, pain will sit in your soul and eventually wreak havoc on your emotions, thoughts, and physical body. I’ve always said, healthy pain processing is when you invite God into it with you.
So, how do you make the great exchange from mourning to joy? In my next post, I explore how to move from self-pity to fulfillment and how to receive the gift of gratitude. Check out Finding Joy in the Pain- Part Two.
Join the Conversation
What are some heavy weights in your backpack?
How do you process pain?